she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm bleeding and have questions
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
