everyone is single if you try hard enough
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
