Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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