tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The air was thick with penises
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
