im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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