I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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