He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
