my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
