Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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