he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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