I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
