Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
