On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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