I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
