When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
