your parents love me but you hate me
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize