they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
