I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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