Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
