thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize