True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
