i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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