Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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