apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
