paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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