Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
