i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
