dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I can't put those talents on a resume
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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