That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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