One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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