we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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