Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize