just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
