Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
