im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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