someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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