I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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