I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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