If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
