I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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