I'm lost and stupid without you.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize