In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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