the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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