wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
