I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
