i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
