does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
