Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
