Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
