I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
