She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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