just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
