I think my vagina is haunted
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
