I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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