You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
