1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize