Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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