i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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