Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
