It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
