I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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