she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
