I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
