So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize