Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
