You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
