Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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