My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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