sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
