im six kinds of drunk right now
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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