The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
