Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
being pregnant is like rehab
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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