We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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