Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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