Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize