if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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