and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
